Word: humbuggery

humbuggery

[huhm-buhg-uh-ree]

noun

1. pretense; sham.

Origin of humbuggery

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             Joe was feeling pretty good about himself.  And why shouldn’t he?  He was walking arm in arm with a very pretty young woman.  One who was, for the most part, way out of his league.  And he had done it a few tasteful lies.  Not even lies, really.  A few pretenses and a few half truths had done the job nicely. 

                Everything was because of his online dating profile.  He had told the internet that he had a well paying computer job, owned his own home, and had a pet.  None of it was really a lie.  He just did not tell the full truth.  For instance, he simply left out the fact that his computer job was repairing them, that his home was a one room apartment, and that his pet was a goldfish.  The only thing he was completely honest with was his picture.  If he lied about that, things would get awkward really quickly. 

                And when he finally got a date, he played up the pretense of success well.  He dressed nicely, talked about high class things, and was all around charming.  She did not need to know the truth.  Not really.  She was fine knowing the Joe from his profile, not the real one.

                As it was, she was all smiles and laughter.  It suited her well, and he almost feared what expression she would wear when she found out what he was really like.  Almost.  Certainly not enough to make him call it off with her, or stop playing the part. 

                The woman stopped walking.  Joe stopped a second later.  A large man stood in front of them, and clearly intended to impede their progress.  There would probably be threats made, and money demanded. 

                Sure enough, the large man drew a knife and threatened the two of them.  Why such a large man needed a knife of all things was beyond Joe’s understanding.  The big man made some very lewd comments about the woman.  Joe could understand that.  She was certainly the type who got them on a regular basis.

                Joe had two options.  One was to give in and give the mugger all the money he had.  But that could be seen as an act of cowardice by the woman.  On the other hand, the mugger was very large and was holding a sharp object.  She might let it slide.  But Joe had hyped himself up on his profile enough that the woman may have thought he could handle such attacks, even though Joe had made no mention of martial skill.  Besides, it never hurt to act brave in front of the pretty woman.

                Joe puffed out his chest and approached the man, acting larger and more dangerous than he was.  It was a sham, of course.  Joe had never fought a day in his life, and did not even know how to throw a punch.  But he counter threatened the large man all the same.  Joe could only assume that a man like that was not used to people acting so fearless in front of him.  He might assume Joe was as dangerous as he acted. 

                There was a stare down.  The mugger was several inches taller than Joe was, but he refused to yield.  If this ploy worked, than he would be a hero and walk away with more than just the money in his wallet.  If it failed, he would end up with several new, and very painful holes in his body.

                Joe squinted and made a big show of cracking his knuckles.  It was the one skill he had that came even remotely close to intimidation.  Somehow, it worked.  The mugger claimed that Joe and his woman were no worth the time, and walked away.  Joe breathed a sigh of relief. 

                The woman squealed with joy and hugged him tightly.  She pulled him along the road with renewed energy.  She leaned in close and promised him a suitable reward for his bravery.  Joe now had one less reason to end his act.

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So, I guess honesty is not always the best policy?  Man, that seems like a really bad lesson to take away from this one.  But, honestly (heh), it's probably more accurate.  Kinda sad, isn't it?

Word: Tyro

tyro

or tiro

[tahy-roh]

noun, plural tyros.

1. a beginner in learning anything; novice.

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              Ted triple checked his gear.  The clothes were simple enough.  Really, it was just stiff, heavy clothing and a full face mask.  Nothing special there.  But the gun was different.  He needed that if he was going to get anywhere.  He looked around at the other members of his team.  They all had high end guns.  Some of them even looked custom made.  Not like his.  His was a cheap, store bought number that looked like it would break at any moment. 

                “First time?” One of them said.  The man was not that much taller than Ted was, but he had a lean, wiry build that Ted lacked.

                “Is it that obvious?”

                “Oh yeah.  Don’t worry rookie, you’ll be fine.  Just stick with one of us and we’ll show you the ropes.”

                “Thanks.” Ted said shakily.

                “That your gun?” The other man asked.

                “Yeah.  I know it’s not much.  But the guy at the store said it’s good for beginners.”

                “It’ll get you through a game or two.  But top feeders like that one can block your line of sight if you don’t know what you’re doing.  They’re fine once you get the hang of them though.  Bottom feeds are more expensive, and the balance can throw you off at first, but they’re easier to aim.”

                “Oh.  I’m probably not going to do this very often, so this is probably fine.”

                Ted took another look at his gun.  He imagined holding it like he had been shown.  Sure enough, the hopper full of paintballs could be tricky to see around.  He looked around again.  Most of the other people had their ammo mounted onto the bottom of the guns.  He was not even sure how that worked.  They were not like real guns that fed bullets with springs and such.  They were paintballs in plastic containers.  Maybe some kind of vacuum?

                “If that’s how it is, then that should do fine.  But if you like it, invest in a better gun.  Some pistols might be good also.”

                “Pistols?”

                “Sure.  Here, check it out.”

                The man pulled a plastic pistol from behind his back and held it out.  It was lighter than it looked, and the top of it had a long tube instead of a slide. 

                “They don’t take a lot of ammo, and they don’t have the best range, but they’re great if you’re main gun runs out.  Plus, there’s nothing quite like nailing a guy between the eyes with one of these things.  It’s great with the main, but this gives a special feeling.”

                Ted handed the sidearm back and was very glad they were talking about paint instead of lead.  But there was no question this guy knew more about the game than he did.  He could probably do worse than sticking nearby, if only just to learn the ropes.  He knew he was probably going to botch the game and make them lose, but this was his first game.  He just hoped that meant he would not get blamed too badly when it was all over.  

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Just so you know, I've never been involved with paintball in any way, and my research mainly involves image searches.  I have no idea if anything I've written here is even slightly accurate.  I hope those who actually participate in paintball matches can forgive any inaccuracies that may be present. 

Word: Mansuetude

mansuetude

[man-swi-tood, -tyood]

noun

1. mildness; gentleness:

the mansuetude of Christian love.

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              “Gently now, gently.” Gail said.  Her soft Irish accent matching her words.  Her hands guided Linus’ as he worked the mild soap into the squirming duckling.  “She’s sensitive.  If you’re too rough, you’ll hurt her.”

                “Sorry. Linus said.  He was having trouble concentrating on the animal.  Gail’s hand on his was more than enough of a distraction.

                It was not like Linus had any real interest in cleaning animal.  There were many places he would rather have been.  But there he was, taking care of an animal that was doing its best to wriggle free of his hands.  Gail had somehow managed to convince him to join the volunteer group.

                She had not tried very hard to do so though.  He did not even have to think about how she had done so.  It was her voice.  There was power in her words.  Her Irish accent was soft and smooth.  Sensual almost.  If all she had was that voice, it would be enough for him.  As it was, she was also very beautiful, which made it even harder to ignore her requests.  But it was her voice that was the clincher in most cases.

                “Alright, that’s the way to do it.” She said happily.  The words sent shivers down Linus’ spine.  “Now just wash it off, and she’ll be ready to head out.”

                “I think this one doesn’t care if she’s all sudsy.” Linus said as the duckling kicked and struggled. 

                “I’m sure she does.  She just doesn’t know you’re trying to help her is all.”

                “I’m trying to be gentle.”  So much so that he was amazed that the soap covered animal remained in his hands at all.

                “You are, but you still can’t tell her why you’re holding her.  And some animals just don’t like being held is all.  She’ll calm down once she’s all clean and on her way.”

                Just as Gail said, once Linus had managed to get the soap off the duckling and it was released, it waddled off as quickly as its tiny feet could carry it.  It was a struggle not to laugh at its journey back to the water.

                “So, what now?” Linus asked.

                “Now?  I hope you’re not trying to skip out.  We’ve still got lots to do here.  Here, take this one.”

                Gail handed him another duckling.  Linus took it hesitantly.  The moment it was in his hands it acted up.  It flapped its tiny wings and squawked as loudly as it could.  It was still young, so much of the effect was lost though.

                “I don’t think these guys like me.” Linus said.

                “Oh now don’t say that.” Gail said with a twinkle in her hazel eyes.  “Just give him some time to get used to you.  Here, let me show you.”

                Linus handed the bird to Gail.  It immediately quieted down, settling into her soft hands.  It looked at Linus, like it was staking its claim on the young woman.

                “There, you see?” She said.  “All it takes is a gentle touch and he’s all right.” Gail started to hand the duckling back to Linus. 

                “Why…why don’t you work on that one and I’ll start with a different one.”

                “Suit yourself.”

                Linus scooped up another of the black, sludgy ducklings, being careful to handle it as carefully and gently as he could.  It didn’t take well to him.  He looked at Gail while wearing his thoughts about the treatment on his sleeves.  Gail just laughed at his struggles and encouraged him to keep trying.  Her words, and her voice, at least got him trying to clean the ungrateful baby bird.  Even with Gail around, he knew I was going to be a long day.          

***************************************

Animals just like some people more than others.  Nobody knows why, but they do.

Word: Quinquennium

quinquennium

[kwin-kwen-ee-uh m, kwing-]

noun, plural quinquenniums, quinquennia

[kwin-kwen-ee-uh, kwing-] (Show IPA)

1. a period of five years.

**************************************************

               The old man lead Bill through the cave into a tunnel in the back.  The front of the cave, where the two first met, is small and sparsely decorated.  A few mats made of goat skin, a fire pit, and some dried herbs.  But the tunnel leads to a much different place.  It’s far larger and with much more going on.  The walls glisten with crystals or various colors.  Intricate patterns are carved on the floor, circles and squares within squares and other, unidentifiable shapes.  In the middle of all of it is a pit filled with purple liquid.  The liquid gives off a faint light, like someone stuck a bright light bulb at the bottom of it.

                “Are you sure you want to do this?” The old man asked.  “It won’t be easy, and there are no short cuts.”

                “Yeah, I’m sure.” Bill said.  “I mean, I did come all this way.  It’d be a waste to just give up now.”

                “I see.”  The old man took a deep breath.  A few strands of his thick, white beard shift as he exhales.  “Very well.  Remove everything you have on you.  Clothes, accessories, everything.  Once you’re finished, get in the water.”

                “Everything?  You sure I can’t leave my—“

                “Everything.” The man said again, more forcefully.  “If you leave any objects on it will cause problems.”

                “Okay.  What about my fillings?  I can’t take those out you know.”

                The man thinks about this for awhile.  “I see your point. Those will be difficult.  The process wasn’t made with such things in mind.  On the one hand, they are in you, at least in part.  But on the other…Perhaps it would be best not to risk that.  They’ll have to come out too.”

                Bill stiffened.  That had not been the answer he had been expecting.  He didn’t have many fillings, but still.  They had been a major pain getting the things in, even with Novocain and a good dentist.  Getting them removed by an old man without proper tools would not be pleasant.  Not to mention the fact that he’d have some sizable holes in his teeth left over that would make eating an even worse pain.

                “Are…are you sure that’s necessary?”

                “No.  But best not to take any chances when dealing with great cosmic forces.  Open your mouth.  Don’t worry, this won’t hurt as much as you think it will.  And if you’re worried about tooth pain, don’t.  Hold some of the water for awhile and it’ll be fine.  Now, open wide.”

                Bill clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.  He felt a small tug on the teeth with fillings in them.  Then there was an odd feeling in the places as his breath passed over the teeth. 

                “There we go, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” The old man asked.

                Bill opened his eyes.  The man was holding three tiny pieces of shaped metal in his hand.  It took Bill a moment to figure out what he was seeing.

                “That was it?  Those are my fillings?”

                “I told you it wouldn’t hurt.” The old man said.  “Now then, clothes and jewelry off and into the water with you.”

                Bill hesitated a moment, but complied.  The air in the cave was warmer than he thought it would be, so even devoid of clothing, he wasn’t cold.  He looked again at the purple water, noting the depth.  From where he stood, it looked to be about two feet deep.  He would have to lay down to cover his entire body.

                It was deeper than it looked.  The moment he stepped into the water, he sank in down to his neck, leaving just his head exposed.  The water was warm, and it make his skin tingle.

                “Okay, I’m in.” Bill said.  “Now what?”

                “Now you stay in there until the water finishes.  Now, you’ll want to drink some of it, and make sure you hold some in your mouth to deal with those cavities.”

                “Got it.  How long do I have to stay in here for?”  Bill assumed it would be a few hours.  Maybe a day.  No more than a week for sure.

                “Five years.” The old man said.  Bill’s mind came to a screeching halt.

                “I’m sorry, I must’ve misheard you.  It sounded like you said I’d have to stay in here for five years.”

                “I did.  And I meant it.  You can’t leave the pool for five years once you’re in.  If you leave now, there will be problems.  Oh, but staying in longer is fine.  In fact, the longer you’re in, the better.  Not only that, but after five years is up, you can leave and go back in at a later time.  Of course, you’ll have to spend another five years then as well.  Every time you exit and go back in, you’ll have to spend five years in it.”

                “And if I don’t?”

                “Bad things.  Trust me, you don’t want to spend less than five years in there. It is, as you said, a waste of time.”

                “How bad is it?”

                “I heard of one man who spend four years and three months in the pool.  He died a month later.  Someone who spend two years in there only lasted a week.  The water doesn’t kill you directly, but the powers running through it find ways of punishing those who aren’t able to last the full time.”

                “Oh.  Great.” Bill said.  He immediately regretted his decision.  “What am I going to do standing here for five years?”

                “Read and listen.  I’ll be handling your education for the first three years.  After that, you should be able to hear the powers talking to you.  They will teach you far more than I can.”

                Bill was silent as he thought about that.  He knew he was here to learn the great powers of the universe, so none of what the old man was saying was particularly out of place. 

                “How long have you stayed in here?” Bill asked.

                “I was in for ten years the first time.  I’ve been in the pool four times in total.  The longest was twelve years.”

                “And in total?”

                “Fifty-five years in total.””

                That couldn’t have been possible.  While the man did look old enough to have spent fifty years doing something, that would mean he spend most of his life in the purple water.  How could anyone tolerate that?

                “If you’re wondering, I’m 246 years old, so fifty-five isn’t all that much.”

                “But…but…”

                “The water in that pool has many powers.  Extending one’s life is practically mundane next to what else you’ll be capable of.  Now then, take some time, to get used to the water.  You’ll be in there for quite awhile, after all.  And don’t worry, the first five years will be over before you know it.”   

***************************************************

Why yes, I did see Dr. Strange recently.  Why do you ask?  It was a fun movie, but it has nothing to do with this story.  Why, the differences are huge.  Just because they both feature someone starting a journey towards learning to use great cosmic powers doesn't mean anything.  This one has magic water.  Totally different.

Word: Equipoise

equipoise

[ee-kwuh-poiz, ek-wuh-]

noun

1. an equal distribution of weight; even balance; equilibrium.

2. a counterpoise.

verb (used with object), equipoised, equipoising.

3. to equal or offset in weight; balance.

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               Don’t look down. That’s the first thing they tell you.  Whatever you do, don’t look down.  Yeah, right. Easier said than done.  I mean, come on.  How am I supposed to not look down when they tell me not to?  It’s not possible.  Seriously, that river just makes me want to look down even more, just to see how doomed I am if I fall.  Just remember, keep your eyes on the other side.  Okay, I think…I think I can do that.  Probably.  Maybe. 

                Now then, the stuff.  I’m supposed to keep it all balanced, right?  How do they do that?  I mean, there’s so much of it that I’m not sure how I’m even carrying it all.  And how is a big stick supposed to keep me from falling to me death?  Oh god, I think something’s out of whack.  I can feel it.  Something is making me tilt, which makes the rope sway, which makes me fall.

                I should just turn back.  I mean, I’m still closer to the start than to the finish, right.  Okay, no I’m not.  Wow.  When did that happen?  I am definitely in the middle of the rope.  What do I do?  Do I keep moving?  Yeah, I should probably keep moving.  Turning around is probably a bad idea.  I mean, there isn’t exactly a lot of room to turn here.  And if I try, something might get disturbed.  And if that happens…yeah, don’t think about that.

                And for god sakes, don’t you dare look down.  Why did I just think that?  I shouldn’t have thought that.  Now I want to look down again.  Just keep the pole even and the rest of the stuff from moving and you’ll be fine.  That’s what they said.

                Why did I even agree to do this?  It’s stupid and dumb and…and…wait, don’t stupid and dumb mean pretty much the same thing?  I think they do.  Or at least they mean something that might as well be the same.  So does that mean if something is stupid, it’s also dumb?  Must be.  So, if this is stupid, I don’t need to call it dumb then.  Idiotic?  No, same thing.  Well, whatever it is, it’s stupid and dangerous and not fun at all. 

                I mean, come on.  Who’s the head case that thought walking across a piece of rope with a big stick was a good idea?  And who was the one who thought making it into a camping trip would be even better? I bet someone with a death wish, that’s who.  I mean come on, we needed to bring a set of scales to make sure we were all even on both sides.  Scales...on a camping trip.  Yeah, that’s smart.  I mean, couldn’t we just go to a lake or something?  That would be a lot more fun without the risk of plummeting to your doom because you forgot to bring the right number of socks or something.  And let’s not forget that a good, stiff breeze is enough to knock me off this thing.

                Hm?  Did I?  Yup, I made it.  I really made it across.  You know, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

*************************************************

Tightrope walking is dangerous without proper training.  Carrying camping equipment while tightrope walking is dangerous even with proper training.  I would advise against doing either of those two thing.  Seriously, just don't.