Word: Bon vivant

bon vivant

[ bon vee-vahnt; French bawn vee-vahn ]

noun, plural bons vi·vants [bon vee-vahnts; French bawn vee-vahn] .

a person who lives luxuriously and enjoys good food and drin

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               “Oh man, this spread, this spread is amazing.” Ted said.  He held a heaping plate of food stuffs.  “I just ate cheese and sausage that cost more than I make in a month.”

               “Uh huh.” Leon said dryly.  He was more interested in the people attending the charity gathering than the food.

               “Come on, man, lighten up.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for guys like us.  We have to take advantage while we can.”

               “Ted, we came here for a reason.  That reason is not eating.”

               Ted rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, yeah, I know.  Look, just because we’re trying to get a few quotes and sound bites doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun and stuff our faces with the best food money can buy.”

               Ted’s attention was immediately drawn to one of the wandering waitresses.  She held a try of sparkling champagne, and offered the small time reporters glasses with a huge smile on her face.  She stayed to chat a moment before moving on.  Ted watched the very pretty young woman go with rapt attention.

               “She’s totally into me.” He said.

               “No she’s not.”

               “She totally is.  You saw how she was looking at me, right?”
               “Pretty sure she’s acting that way for everyone.  Helps her get tips or something.”  He had no idea how tipping worked at a place like this, but he imagined being young, pretty, and friendly helped get them.  Indeed, as he watched, he saw one of the wealthy attendees slip one of the waitresses some cash.

               “Oh please.  You can think that because you’re blind to the mind of women.”

               “Oh yeah, and you’re an expert?  Remind me again how many times you’ve been dumped?”

               Ted’s grin faltered and he buried himself in his food.  He mumbled some kind of response and waved his hands around.  Leon rolled his eyes, told his partner he would be working the room, and headed off to do his job.

               He found it much harder than he anticipated.  He figured the people here would welcome any good press.  But once they learned he was not from a national news outlet, they ignored him.  He might as well have been invisible to them.

               “Having some problems?”

               The voice came from a waitress who was going above and beyond the rest in her hunt of tips by leaving one extra button undone.  She was carrying an empty tray tucked under her arm, and had an overly confident smirk on her pretty face.

               “Uh, what?” Leon replied.

               “I heard you and your friend.  Well, most of it anyway.  You two are small time reporters, right?”

               “Yeah, so?”

               “So, since you’re small time, you won’t get anywhere with these pigs.”

               “Oh?”
               “These guys are used to luxury.  They live and breath the best.  That means if you aren’t among the top, you won’t be worth their time.  So you either have to lie and tell them you’re part of a big name group, or go to a different source.”

               “Which is you, I take it?”

               “Yeah, but I warn you now, I won’t be giving you some puff piece about a charity thing.”

               Leon looked around at the party goers.  None of them were paying him any attention.  “Okay, you’ve got my attention.  What kind of info do you have?”

               “A lot.  See, unlike most of the staff here, I’m not a one-time hire.  I work for the host full time.  A real regular.  And do you know how he treats me?”

               “How?”

               “See that painting over there?”

               She pointed at a classical painting.  Probably genuine and probably older than some countries. 

               “To these guys, the only difference between me and that painting is that I’ll get them drinks on command.  I’m just a pretty thing that’s there to be looked at from time to time.”

               “That’s horrible.”

               She shrugged.  “That’s life.  I’ve been working here since I was 18, so I’m used to it.  And I’ve learned going unnoticed has its advantages.  Nobody pays attention to me, so they talk, even when I’m around.  Over the years, I’ve learned a lot of things.  I not only know about the skeletons in the closet, I’ve probably cleaned most of them, if you get my meaning.”

               “I think I do, yes.” Leon said.  If she was telling the truth, this could make his career.  There was just one problem. “And what will all this juicy info cost me?  I mean, it’d probably be easier to just blackmail your boss.”

               “Blackmail?  No way.  That’s a great way to get a bullet in my head.  No, this is way better.  And as for what I want?  I want to see his sweat.  I want his to squirm.  He’ll wonder who sold him out.  He’ll be obsessed with it.  He’ll never suspect a lowly serving girl, and that’s the best thing.  Watching him fall apart is all the reward I need.”

“You are a horrible person, aren’t you?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a nice girl, but horrible?  That honor goes to the pigs wallowing in their own luxurious filth.  So, you in?”

Leon only thought about it for a moment.  “Sure.  Let’s find someplace out of the way and we’ll talk.”

Her smile became downright wicked.  “Great.  Meet me outside in half an hour, and we’ll make some pigs squeal.”  

**********************************************

A bit of advice.  If you ever find yourself becoming fabulously rich, always pay attention to the staff.  Even the lowest of them.  They can learn a lot of things you might not want to be found.

Word: Flagitious

flagitious

[ fluh-jish-uh s ]

adjective

shamefully wicked, as persons, actions, or times.

heinous or flagrant, as a crime; infamous.

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               “So, what do you do for a living?” Jess asked. 

               It seemed like the right question to ask, given that it was a first date.  Plus, Adam was very well dressed.  He clearly had money to spare, and it would be nice to know how he got it.

               “I’m a supervillain.” He said with a completely straight face. 

               Jess froze.  Was he being serious?  There was no way.  He had to be joking.  No self-respecting super villain would just come out and admit it, would they?  Not even superheroes did that, and they were not being hunted by every authority in the world.

               Adam’s face contorted for a moment before he broke out in quiet laughter.  Jess tried to relax, but found it hard to do so.

               “Oh man, you should’ve seen your face.  A super villain, really?  Did you actually fall for that?”

               “I do try and keep a healthy level of caution around people who would call themselves super villains.”

               “Of course, of course.  Sorry, it was a joke in poor taste.”

               Jess chuckled weakly.  “So, what do you do.”

               “I’m a career criminal.  Not a joke this time, I really am the scum of the Earth.  I run a large corporation, and well, let’s just say my paycheck is 50% paid for by white collar crime.”

               “You know, you could’ve just said you’re a businessman.  Less…blatantly illegal.”

               “Now why would I do that?  I’m not ashamed of what I do.  Sure, I won’t go admitting it to any cops or governments, but isn’t that the same for anyone in my position?  Most of the business world is dominated by criminals.  It’s practically expected that if you have over five million in the bank, you’ve broken at least a few laws.  Really, we business owners are just as bad as the actual super villains.  We’re just more subtle.”

               Jess swirled the glass of wine around before taking a small sip.  It was high quality stuff, but the fact that it was paid for by ill gotten money soured it for her. 

               “You know, most people don’t go around claiming they have any similarity to a group of people known for massive destruction, murder, and attempts at either world domination or destruction.”

               “And that is a real shame.  I mean it.  I personally don’t think they’re all that bad.  In fact, I dare say super villains are, if anything, more necessary than their caped counterparts.”

               The very idea made her skin crawl.  She very firmly thought that the world would be a better place if the few supers in the world would all agree to not use them for committing crimes.

               “Oh?” She said.

               “You see, a villain, super or not, is, by definition, an agent of chaos.  Now, most people consider that a bad thing, since chaos is usually associated with destruction, death, that sort of thing.  But, it’s also progress.  Change.  Development.  We have more advanced tech than we ever thought possible, and most of it is because of villains.  Either developed by the so-called bad guys, or as a response to them.  Now, for comparison, heroes are, of course, agents of order.  That’s usually seen as good.  Peace and stability and all that.  But order is also oppression and stagnation.  A fully ordered society won’t do anything other than exist.”

               Jess considered his words for a moment. 

               “Personally, I think heroes do just fine as both order and chaos.” She said.  “Heroes protect the peace, sure, but that’s only on an individual basis.  As an idea, heroes inspire.  They push people to be their best selves.  To advance and create and develop more than they otherwise would.  And they’d do that without villains.  There would still be disasters, still problems that require the aid of a superhero to overcome.  Villains don’t do this.  They are selfish, cruel beings who seek only to advance their own goals.  Goals which, I might add, are only there because of heroes.”

               “Do tell.” Adam said.  He folded his hands under his chin and rested his elbows on the table.

               “Well, let’s take the two who fought just recently, Dr. Green and White Light.”

               Jess swore she saw Adam grimace and fidget uncomfortably for a moment.  “Yes, I know that one.  It was all over the news.” He said.

               “Right, well, Dr. Green was going to do something insane to try and take over the world but was stopped by White Light.”

               “Personally, I think she shouldn’t have even interfered.  I’d like to see what a man like him could do at the helm.”

               “Yes, what would he have done had he succeeded?  Won the fight and taken over the world.  What then?  What was his goal after that?”

               Adam looked thoughtful for a moment, like he was considering the question as more than just a thought experiment.

               “I…don’t know.” He admitted.

               “Exactly my point.  Villains are too short sighted.  They only see the goal of how to beat the hero or fulfill some long-standing desire they have.  It’s like the dog chasing the car.  What’ll it do if it catches the thing?  It doesn’t know, and neither do villains.  They’re motivated more by the hero than their original goals.”

               “So, what, villains need heroes, but heroes don’t need villains?”

               “Exactly.”

               “Ah, but let’s go back to your example and look at White Light.  What would she do if she did not have to stop a villain every so often?”

               “Probably live comfortably and work on whatever career she maintained on the side.” Jess said with a wistful smile on her face.

               “So, be a normal person.  Do you really think that someone with that kind of power would be content to just sit around and, I don’t know, be an office worker?  No.  No she would not.  She’d seek out another outlet for her gifts.  And those might not be as productive as you seem to think.  Superheroes are still human, and still have human faults.  They’d look to show off, be seen by the public.  And some of them might turn to crime to do that, and thus, the cycle begins again.”

               “So…” Jess thought about it for a moment.  “I guess heroes and villains need each other to function properly.  Chaos and order all keeping things running.”

               “I suppose they do.” Adam said with a nod.  He took his wine glass and raised it.  “Well then, I guess to the order of villains.”

               Jess copied the motion and followed suit.  “And the chaos of heroes.”

               Both drank their wine slowly, letting their thoughts stir.  Adam was the one to break the silence.

               “I’m still not going to apologize for what I do though.”    

************************************************

 Both heroes are villains are made by each other.  A hero without a good villain isn't terribly interesting, and a villain who isn't opposed by a well designed hero is quickly forgotten.

Word: Tellurian

tellurian

[ te-loo r-ee-uh n ]

adjective

of or characteristic of the earth or its inhabitants; terrestrial.

noun

an inhabitant of the earth.

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               The alarm sounded and the ship lurched.  The small crew scrambled to figure out what was going on. 

               “What’s happening?” Roared Capt. Rennart. 

               “Not sure yet, sir.  All we can tell is we’ve stopped.” Answered the navigator, Fredrickson. 

               “Stopped?  How is that possible?”

               Nobody could answer.  Everyone was trying to figure it out.  Just then, the airlock clicked and the rush of air indicating it was opening filled the area.  The crew went silent as the heavy metal door opened.  Something that was definitely not human entered the ship.

               It was roughly as tall as a human, and had the same number of limbs, but that was all that was in common with humanity.  It had pale, copper colored skin, and its arms and legs had far too many joints.  Each arm had three long thin fingers that gripped a small, rectangular device.  It had four eyes, arranged in a square, and its mouth looked to have the same number of joints.  It wore what looked to be some kind of uniform, with a belt containing objects that none of the humans could even begin to identify.

               The alien opened its mouth an emitted a series of loud screeches and clicks.  The humans recoiled in fear at the sight and sound of the creature.  It looked at them and emitted a wheezing sound that could almost be called a sigh.  It clicked at something on its belt, fiddling with a few buttons and lights. 

               “Okay, let’s try this again.” The alien said in perfect English.  “Can you understand me now?”

               “Uh, yes?” Answered the captain.

               “Okay good.  You really should get your translation systems repaired before traveling.”

               The humans looked at each other in confusion.  Translation system?  How would something that complex even begin to work?

               “Now then,” The alien continued, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

               The crew looked at each other, each sharing the same look.  Had they just run into the interstellar equivalent of a traffic cop?

               “Not really, no.” Rennart replied.

               The alien let out the same sigh-like sound again.  “You guys were doing point zero five in a forty.”

               “Point zero five?  Point zero five what?” The captain looked at Fredrickson.  The man shook his head and shrugged. 

               “Point five lightyears a second, obviously.”  The alien officer said.  “Look, I pull over lots of folks for going to fast, but this is the first time I’ve even caught someone going too slow.  And you’re lucky I did.  Do you know what would’ve happened if you had hit traffic going at sublight speeds?  You could’ve caused some serious accidents.  Fatal ones.”

               “Uh, sorry.  We, uh, we didn’t know.”

               “The speed limit is clearly posted on the galactic network system.  Your fault for not checking it.  Now, I’m going to have to write you a ticket, payable at traffic court on Arrivus 5.”  The officer clicked something on the rectangular device and words appeared.  It swiftly hit something on the screen and a small, thin chip popped out.  It handed the object, what most of the crew assumed was an alien traffic ticket, to the captain.

               “So, where are you folks headed to and coming from at such ludicrously low speeds?” The officer asked.

               “Uh, well, we’re not really going anywhere, and we’re from Earth.”

               The officer huffed.  “Earth?  Never heard of it.  What system?  What sector?”

               “Uh, the Sol system, I guess.  And I don’t know what sector it’s in.”

               “Don’t know your own system?  What is this, your first time out of your own solar system?”

               “Yes, actually, it is.”

               The alien froze and blinked all four of its eyes rapidly.  It then proceeded to spout out several phrases that the crew could only assume were alien curses.  None of it made any sense to the humans, even if the words were in English.

               “I did not sign up for a first contact.”  The officer said.  “I don’t do this.  I just make sure people aren’t going too fast.  But first contact?  Do you have any idea how much paperwork this is going to be?”

               “Wait, you have paperwork?”

               “Of course we do.”  The officer said sharply.  “Bureaucracy loves it, even if we don’t use actual paper anymore.  And now I have to fill out so many forms.”

               “So, uh, what should…”

               “Look, you’re going to have to come with me to Arrivus 5.  You’ll need to register as a new space faring species.  Apply for protected status until you can get your ships moving at a reasonable speed.  Otherwise, you’re opening yourselves up for a whole mess of problems.  I’ll call you a tower to get you there before we all die of old age.”

               “Oh, uh, thank you officer.” Rennart said. 

               “Yeah, yeah.  You won’t be thanking me when you see how many forms you’ll need to fill out.  Way more than I will, which is already a nightmare.”

               Some of the crew cringed.  They were well aware of what horrors a well-established bureaucracy could come up with.  Getting aboard Earth’s first deep-space ship had meant hours filling out forms.    

               “So, uh, officer, does that mean that we don’t have to pay the ticket?  What with not having any galactically recognized currency and not having the means to hit any speed limits?” The captain asked hopefully, as much to get their minds of the impending paperwork as actual curiosity.

               The officer let out a series of clicks that reminded the humans of laughter.  “Get out of a ticket?  Hah!  No way.  You’ll still have to pay up.”

               The crew muttered.  “Guess some things really are universal.”

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I bet first contact will be something like this.  I mean, it's cool to think they'll come to us and all that, but really, why would any aliens come all the way out to us, when we're so far away from the center of the galaxy?  Really, it's more likely we run into one of them because we broke a law we didn't even know we were breaking.  Just you wait and see.  The first aliens we meet will be cops, not conquerors or explorers.