Word: Tellurian

tellurian

[ te-loo r-ee-uh n ]

adjective

of or characteristic of the earth or its inhabitants; terrestrial.

noun

an inhabitant of the earth.

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               The alarm sounded and the ship lurched.  The small crew scrambled to figure out what was going on. 

               “What’s happening?” Roared Capt. Rennart. 

               “Not sure yet, sir.  All we can tell is we’ve stopped.” Answered the navigator, Fredrickson. 

               “Stopped?  How is that possible?”

               Nobody could answer.  Everyone was trying to figure it out.  Just then, the airlock clicked and the rush of air indicating it was opening filled the area.  The crew went silent as the heavy metal door opened.  Something that was definitely not human entered the ship.

               It was roughly as tall as a human, and had the same number of limbs, but that was all that was in common with humanity.  It had pale, copper colored skin, and its arms and legs had far too many joints.  Each arm had three long thin fingers that gripped a small, rectangular device.  It had four eyes, arranged in a square, and its mouth looked to have the same number of joints.  It wore what looked to be some kind of uniform, with a belt containing objects that none of the humans could even begin to identify.

               The alien opened its mouth an emitted a series of loud screeches and clicks.  The humans recoiled in fear at the sight and sound of the creature.  It looked at them and emitted a wheezing sound that could almost be called a sigh.  It clicked at something on its belt, fiddling with a few buttons and lights. 

               “Okay, let’s try this again.” The alien said in perfect English.  “Can you understand me now?”

               “Uh, yes?” Answered the captain.

               “Okay good.  You really should get your translation systems repaired before traveling.”

               The humans looked at each other in confusion.  Translation system?  How would something that complex even begin to work?

               “Now then,” The alien continued, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

               The crew looked at each other, each sharing the same look.  Had they just run into the interstellar equivalent of a traffic cop?

               “Not really, no.” Rennart replied.

               The alien let out the same sigh-like sound again.  “You guys were doing point zero five in a forty.”

               “Point zero five?  Point zero five what?” The captain looked at Fredrickson.  The man shook his head and shrugged. 

               “Point five lightyears a second, obviously.”  The alien officer said.  “Look, I pull over lots of folks for going to fast, but this is the first time I’ve even caught someone going too slow.  And you’re lucky I did.  Do you know what would’ve happened if you had hit traffic going at sublight speeds?  You could’ve caused some serious accidents.  Fatal ones.”

               “Uh, sorry.  We, uh, we didn’t know.”

               “The speed limit is clearly posted on the galactic network system.  Your fault for not checking it.  Now, I’m going to have to write you a ticket, payable at traffic court on Arrivus 5.”  The officer clicked something on the rectangular device and words appeared.  It swiftly hit something on the screen and a small, thin chip popped out.  It handed the object, what most of the crew assumed was an alien traffic ticket, to the captain.

               “So, where are you folks headed to and coming from at such ludicrously low speeds?” The officer asked.

               “Uh, well, we’re not really going anywhere, and we’re from Earth.”

               The officer huffed.  “Earth?  Never heard of it.  What system?  What sector?”

               “Uh, the Sol system, I guess.  And I don’t know what sector it’s in.”

               “Don’t know your own system?  What is this, your first time out of your own solar system?”

               “Yes, actually, it is.”

               The alien froze and blinked all four of its eyes rapidly.  It then proceeded to spout out several phrases that the crew could only assume were alien curses.  None of it made any sense to the humans, even if the words were in English.

               “I did not sign up for a first contact.”  The officer said.  “I don’t do this.  I just make sure people aren’t going too fast.  But first contact?  Do you have any idea how much paperwork this is going to be?”

               “Wait, you have paperwork?”

               “Of course we do.”  The officer said sharply.  “Bureaucracy loves it, even if we don’t use actual paper anymore.  And now I have to fill out so many forms.”

               “So, uh, what should…”

               “Look, you’re going to have to come with me to Arrivus 5.  You’ll need to register as a new space faring species.  Apply for protected status until you can get your ships moving at a reasonable speed.  Otherwise, you’re opening yourselves up for a whole mess of problems.  I’ll call you a tower to get you there before we all die of old age.”

               “Oh, uh, thank you officer.” Rennart said. 

               “Yeah, yeah.  You won’t be thanking me when you see how many forms you’ll need to fill out.  Way more than I will, which is already a nightmare.”

               Some of the crew cringed.  They were well aware of what horrors a well-established bureaucracy could come up with.  Getting aboard Earth’s first deep-space ship had meant hours filling out forms.    

               “So, uh, officer, does that mean that we don’t have to pay the ticket?  What with not having any galactically recognized currency and not having the means to hit any speed limits?” The captain asked hopefully, as much to get their minds of the impending paperwork as actual curiosity.

               The officer let out a series of clicks that reminded the humans of laughter.  “Get out of a ticket?  Hah!  No way.  You’ll still have to pay up.”

               The crew muttered.  “Guess some things really are universal.”

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I bet first contact will be something like this.  I mean, it's cool to think they'll come to us and all that, but really, why would any aliens come all the way out to us, when we're so far away from the center of the galaxy?  Really, it's more likely we run into one of them because we broke a law we didn't even know we were breaking.  Just you wait and see.  The first aliens we meet will be cops, not conquerors or explorers.