tabula rasa
[ tab-yuh-luh rah-suh, -zuh, rey-; Latin tah-boo-lah rah-sah ]
noun
- a mind not yet affected by experiences, impressions, etc.
- anything existing undisturbed in its original pure state.
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Kyle went through his drawers, examining his clothes. Some he put into one of several large suitcases, while others he tossed into an ever-growing pile. This was only the first of many areas around his room that he would be doing this to. The pile would be donated to some charity, while the suitcases would be going with him.
As he went through the process of uprooting his entire life, he heard a knock on the door. Before he could say anything, his older sister, Amy, entered.
“You know I didn’t say it was okay to come in. What if I was changing?” Kyle said.
“Given what you’ve been doing in here for the last several hours, we both know there wasn’t a danger of that.”
“Fair enough. What do you want?”
Amy sat on the bed and looked at the pile of clothes slated for the donation bin. “You don’t need to do this, you know. You have a perfectly good life right here.”
Kyle stopped sorting and loosed at his sister. “Yeah, I know. That’s the problem. That’s why I’m doing this.”
“Yeah, I still don’t get it. I’ve thought about it since you said you were moving, and I still don’t get it. Why are you doing this, Kyle? Why are you leaving us?”
“Because I need to. Because if I stay here, being in this family will just smother me. I need place where I can be me. Where I can life without being told what a wonderful family I have.”
“What’s so bad about having a good family? Not everyone has that, you know.”
He sighed and joined his sister on the bed, sitting almost a foot away from her. He closed his eyes and leaned back, collecting his thoughts before saying anything else.
“Amy, when I was in high school, do you know how many teachers talked about you?”
“How many?”
“All of them. Every single one. And whenever I did anything, they always spoke about how I was definitely your brother. How you were rubbing off on me. Nothing I did was ever really mine. It was always because of you. Your influence. Your help. You just being you.”
“I didn’t--”
“I’m not finished yet.” Kyle said, cutting Amy off. “Would you say I have a pretty good job?”
“Of course. Way better than most people our age.”
“Do you know how I got my job?”
“Oh sure. Because Dad...ah.”
“Mm-hm. I didn’t get hired because I was the best choice. I got hired because Dad pulled some strings. The only time in my life when I could stand on my own two feet and not be compared to another member of this family was in college.”
“So that’s why you went to that little nowhere school instead of an ivy league like Mom and Dad?”
“Exactly. Sure, I would’ve gotten a better education, no question. But I would’ve been a legacy. Mom or Dad’s son. Not me. I need to go to a place where I can stand on my own merit instead of you, Mom or Dad’s. I need a place where I’m a blank slate. Where nobody knows me. Otherwise, I’ll never escape the very long shadows you three cast.”
“I...I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going through that.”
“Yeah, I know. I know you three want what’s best for me. Or at least what you think is best. And who knows, maybe moving across the country is a terribly idea and I’m just setting myself up for failure. At least it’ll be my failure. At least it’ll be something I did on my own without the influence of any family. And that’s more than I’ll ever get here.”
Amy leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees. “I’m not sure I understand, not fully anyway. But I at least get it a little more now. I guess that’s all that any of us can hope for, huh? Since you think this way, I’ll help you out as much as I can. Or, well, as much as you’ll accept.”
“I appreciate that. Even just getting Mom and Dad off my back about this would be more than enough.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” The two siblings sat there in silence for a moment before the elder spoke again. “You will keep in contact, right?”
“Of course. I’m not planning on cutting contact. I just need to stand on my own merit instead of everyone else’s.”
Amy stood, faced her brother, and held out a hand. “Well then my dear little brother, I wish you all the best in your quest for a blank slate of a life.”
Kyle grinned and accepted the offered hand. “I’ll do my best. Whatever my best may be.”
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Well, Happy New Year, everyone. Did you have a nice time? Did you manage to stay up for the big moment? Now, let's all hope that this year will be better than the last.
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